Sunday, May 26, 2013

What Would YOU Do?

Situation: A guy is dating a girl. This guy has a very close friend. This close friend once dated this girl. This girl really doesn't like this close friend that she once dated.

Problem: The girl informs the guy that unless he cuts off all contact with his close friend, their relationship is over.

Possible Options:

1) Guy ignores close friend's all overtures at remaining in touch and eventually the close friend figures out that he is no longer close friends, or friends at all for that matter, with the guy. Reasoning: Why bother informing his friend that he can no longer be in touch with him? Nothing to gain, only pain to be handed out. The close friend knows that the guy is dating this girl he once dated and what her opinion is of him. He'll figure it out.

2) Call close friend and let him know the situation, but ignore all attempts at being persuaded from breaking up with her. Reasoning: The close friend deserves to hear it from the guy himself, and not be left hanging, wondering what happened to the close friendship they once shared. Although he'll probably figure it out, it's
still the right thing to do.

3) Break up with the girl. Reasoning: A girl that holds such a grudge that she'll force the guy she's dating to end a friendship of years, is not a good girl to date.

It's a lose-lose situation for the guy no matter how you look at it. He really likes the girl, but really doesn't want to throw away a friendship that he's had for years. What to do?

This is happening now. I know both guys personally and I know who the girl is. It's a mess. The close friend is not a bad person and not a bad influence. He made mistakes while dating her and acknowledges that he was at fault for the relationship failing and understands why she is so very upset at him.

This situation can, obviously, go the other way around too. A girl who dated a guy who had a bad experience with her close friend. The guy wants the girl he's dating to end her friendship with her close friend.

I have no idea what I would do because I've never been in this situation. If I were to hazard a guess, it would be the third option. Making huge demands before they're even engaged is bad news for what could be coming once they're married. Or, it could be a one-time shot. It's impossible to know.

Based on what I've told you, what would YOU do?


  1. I'd definitely not end the friendship. Its dating for heaven sake, the relationship with this girl may be terminated in a week or two. Don't lose a close friend for a girl, at least not while only in the dating period.

  2. I don't think he should end the friendship (option 1 is really sad). Does that mean there is no chance of a fourth option? Is it at all possible for the close friend and the girl to talk and come to some sort of reconciliation for the sake of the guy?

  3. I agree with the Prof. Until you marry the girl, friends and family come first. After you marry her is a different story, but before hand, well, I think this explains it: .

  4. If she is going to start making you break friendships now, what will she make you do later? She sounds awfully controlling for someone this guy just started dating, as opposed to his friend who he has known for a while. Sorry, but this girl has some self esteem issues to work out...
    Much Hatzlacha!

  5. Yes, it is a mess. Pretty much from every perspective matters can be seen as "Yup, they're right" and "Yup, they're right, too."

    OK, so the ex knows he made mistakes, so she is justified in feeling uncomfortable having him a constant presence, to the point that she is being kinda irrational by issuing such an ultimatum. Who are we kidding? As soon as a marriage happens, all friendships seem to fall by the wayside anyway, right? (At least, that is a constant online complaint). She doesn't even have to bother with an ultimatum; chances are this guy will magically disappear anyway.

    Does this guy really like this girl otherwise, and think this relationship is worth pursuing? Perhaps he should first try to talk about it with her, pass on his friend's apologies, and explain that it is not quite possible to cut all ties, since this friendship goes back X amount of years, perhaps add some colorful examples of how the ex has been such a good friend to him.

    Perhaps then she will be able to articulate what exactly has made her make such a demand. It's not like this guy will be a piece of furniture in her living room.

  6. Also, remember that chances are this guy asked for permission to his friend before going out with her (as is part of the bro code), and he presumably gave the go ahead. Is it fair to cut a guy out when it's very possible you two wouldn't be together if he wasn't ok with it?

  7. Thanks everyone for your replies. Rather than inundate your inboxes with individual replies, I'll make it a one-shot.

    Prof: They've been dating for an extended period of time- engagement is imminent. If they had been dating for a short period of time, I agree. But the ultimatum came when the dating was already in its advanced stages. Now what?

    FG: Great link, thanks! But I don't know, is that so applicable in the Jewish dating scene? (I'd KO a guy who called a frum girl a "hoe," regardless of the circumstances.) Your second point is an excellent one, and yes, permission was given. On the contrary, the friend is the one who suggested it. Nevertheless, the situation is what it is.

    Rachelli: She was smart enough to lay on this demand only once they were past the beginning stages. I agree though, personally, that she has some issues to work through.

    PL: Thanks for the comment. Ya, the friendship falling apart thing is true generally, but I'm not sure it's applicable here. They're really close friends and while the friendship will definitely change once either of them gets married, it's the type of friendship to last.

    Ah, that's the problem. They've been dating for quite some time now. He has tried talking about it with her. It's not something she's willing to discuss and has simply put her foot down on the matter. He really has no idea what to do. It's tearing him apart.