Tuesday, June 4, 2013


On my 10 minute break here at 5:06 am. I've been up all night working. I will be up the rest of the night working. I will then be up all day... working.

It's crazy, but this is one of the times that I'm happy about it. A ton of work to be done, and a time that it has to be done by. That time happens to be 6 weeks away, but the project is so large that it necessitates all-nighters even at the beginning of the project.

Being a project manager of multiple simultaneously running projects is a lot of fun, but it's also a huge responsibility.

I promised here that I'd post honestly- and whatever I want- even though some people do know who I am, so here goes. Responsibilities of this size scare me. They scare the bejeezus out of me. Thoughts like: "What if I don't do it perfectly?" and "What if I don't finish it in time?" and "What if the client doesn't like it?" It's scary to me. Worse, it literally cripples me.

People have suggested to me various ways of dealing with this, but none have worked. The only tried and true way to get me into gear is a kick. (Break's over- I'll be back.)

7:55 am, I'm back. As I was saying, only a kick really does it. As in, someone or other lets me know that it's time to crack down and on with it. Otherwise, I'll somehow find something else to do. I'll read, watch the occasional movie (ok, maybe more than occasional), watch sports (even teams that I only have a passing interest in), etc. Pretty much anything but work.

It's horrible. If it were only procrastination and I'd get the work done by the deadline then it wouldn't be thaaat bad. But I have let deadlines pass.

Troubling, to say the least.

What really drives me crazy is that once I start, the fear vanishes and I can polish off the project quickly and efficiently. It's just the start that freaks me out. The start, or a different stage of the project.

Anyway, not sure why I'm writing this or what I hope to gain by posting it. Well, I do. I feel like I'm "coming out" by admitting a fault of mine. It's difficult to admit faults that will change peoples' perception of me. But the internet me, to date, has been about only a few aspects of the real me. I'm going to try to treat this blog, to some extent, as a diary of who I am and what I face. To a really small extent probably. But I'll give it a go.

Back to work.

PS. I can't believe I'm going to post this.


  1. Wow, that sounds intense!

    The beginning is one of the hardest parts of any task. Sometimes, I feel like I'm the Queen of Procrastination. Anything becomes much more interesting than work. Staring at a wall is not as boring as I once thought it was, (hey, is that a spot? It kinda looks like a duck…). Add to that, a fear of failure, and it becomes even more difficult to find the motivation to start. It's pretty common, but it doesn't make it any easier to overcome. You might have already heard of this 'trick' before, but one thing that helps me get started is focusing on one aspect of the task (usually starting with the easiest part), and doing it for one minute. After I complete the minute, I can take a break if I want to (and sometimes I do), and then I have to complete another minute after my break. Usually, this is enough to get me into the groove, but sometimes I find that I need multiple breaks before I can really get into it.

    Your post script made me smile. This was a great post and I'm sure many people can relate to it (so, yay for posting it :-)). It's not easy to admit one's faults and your honesty is admirable. I have a similar post that's been sitting in my drafts for quite some time and every time I think of posting it, I chicken out. I guess I'm not ready to "come out" just yet :-)

    Good luck with your project!

    1. I'm not the only one!! I'm pretty sure I shouldn't be celebrating that though :)

      I haven't heard that one before and will definitely give it a go. I always see the big picture and the size of the challenge. Focusing on a minute piece of it might just do the trick. If I remember to use it....

      Thanks, I really appreciate that! It was really hard. I still can't believe I posted it. It probably had something to do with me not having had any sleep :)

      Now that I've done it once though, I hope I'll be able to continue doing so in the future.

    2. Lol :-p

      Hope it works!

      :-) Lack of sleep can be a catalyst for great things. (The opposite can be true as well, but it's nice to focus on the positive.)

      That's great, I'm looking forward to it :-)

    3. Maybe I'll post some updates on its progress :)

      I look forward to reading yours! (One day... Maybe... No Pressure :))

    4. That sounds like a good idea.

      Haha, umm… Maybe, one day… :-)

  2. You won't be any more productive than you are at the last minute... that's what it is there for.
    Then again, this could be something more than just "procrastination..." but that's for another time...

    1. Ya, I suspect it may be something more than procrastination. But, could be that I just take procrastination to the nth degree.

      Thanks :)